distraction

Today I was thinking about who I used to be. Fiona's illness has changed so much of our lives. I can't remember what I did before I found out she was sick. I did crafty things, I went grocery shopping during the day, and I read, but beyond that I can't remember. There is a constant distraction in my head, thinking about the next treatment, the next lab result, the next appointment. This is what happens when the future is so uncertain. I have to rethink everything over and over, but it never leads to a conclusion. There is no final plan. I'm a planner, I need a plan. We live in limbo, between two difficult paths, never being allowed to choose either one. Six months of this has taken a toll on us.

I know it will get better. I'm still fairly certain that she needs a transplant. Eventually we'll get there. I have to hope that when we look back in a few years we'll be glad for the lessons learned during this time.